The Unwelcomed Company
Depression and anxiety are something I have silently battled for 10+ years. I say plus because I was only diagnosed 10 years ago, but have previously battled symptoms for years prior. Very few know this about me, and it’s not something I discuss with anyone on a regular basis. I’ve become so used to it, it’s just a way of life it seems like and the last thing I want is a pity party because of it. Life has not been as bad as it was around the time I was diagnosed, but it has lived inside of me every day, every month, every year. Some days are good days and I laugh, smile, bake cookies and get chores and errands done effortlessly...other days are foggy, miserable, numb, full of anxiety and it’s a chore to force myself to do the things that need to get done if I get them done at all.
In my past, I have tried masking it with mainly alcohol, and it worked. Until I woke up the next day and it punched me in the face 3 times as hard as before I started drinking...but it took it away while I WAS drinking, so to escape it entirely I would drink over and over again just to get those hours of blurry, care-free bliss! I fought to mask it with substance abuse over and over again, which would cause anxiety attacks. I wouldn’t be able to breathe and I would feel like I’m about to die.
“Battle” describes it entirely. Even though some associate depression and anxiety as being a “sad person” or “weak”, it could not be more opposite… being at battle every day for most of my life has made me entirely stronger as a person.
I overthink, so you know when I make a personal decision, I have most definitely thought it through.
I feel everything a little extra… so I’ve become an expert at putting myself in other people’s shoes, knowing how bad it feels to be in their position. I am patient and understanding when it comes to others’ feelings because I more than likely have already been there. It has made me a good friend and a good partner above all… even though my moodiness, mouthiness and stubborn attitude have made it a chore to deal with me some days, my heart is always in the right place.
Being on maternity leave in a pandemic during the winter has definitely taken a toll being cooped up in a condo with Myla, she gives me the extra push I need most days though to get moving and sometimes the push to get going is all I need to make it a good day.
There are still people I know (mainly elders) that don’t understand that depression isn’t something that can be fixed with a lollipop or a salon appointment. In most cases, it’s biological and/or hereditary.
All of the money in the world cannot save you from it, but by embracing it, understanding your limits and practicing what works for you every day, you can save yourself.