Part Seven: Thoughts From My Balcony

Hi… It has been a while, and I’ve been thinking a lot about this blog.

I've been thinking about how I can still write this in a way that is healing for me but not harmful for others. 

Because I was talking with some friends and one of them had also been through an eating disorder and expressed how dangerous it is for people to talk about eating disorders sometimes. Sometimes people who are reading or listening or watching may still be struggling with eating and their body. And you can be giving them “tips” (for lack of better wording) on how to lose more weight or hide how they're feeling from the doctors or families. 

I can see that I have done that. 

In sharing my story I've offered up these behaviours that were so damaging to my mental and physical health as we’ll as my healing. And in doing this I may be presenting new ways for others to harm themselves and their bodies. 

And for that I am so deeply ashamed. Because my intention with this blog was to not only further my healing, but to help those who are still struggling. But I may have made it worse for some. 

So I have been at a roadblock. 

Do I continue writing? Do I delete the chapters that discuss harmful behaviours? Do I stop the whole blog? 

I'm still at this crossroad, because I know that this may be hurting some people, but helping others. I know a lot of parents and caregivers and friends of someone who has or has had an eating disorder, read this blog. And it helps them to get a better grasp on what their loved one may be going through. 

I am hoping it helps someone spot the signs. 

I am hoping. 

At the same time I’m hoping that if you're reading this and you do have an eating disorder or body dysphoria or anything that relates to this at all, that you're not taking these terrible, heartbreaking behaviours I have done in the past and comparing yourself to me. Thinking because you don’t or didn’t do these things I mentioned previously, that you don't have a “good enough eating disorder.” 

Which is something that is so prevalent in the world of disordered eating, because you don't do x y or z you don't “really have an eating disorder.” Or because you don't weigh a certain weight or look a certain way or think a certain thing. 

Eating disorders look different for everyone. Just because me and you are not doing the same things or thinking the same things, doesn’t mean your illness is less valid. 

This doesn’t mean that you don't need or deserve help, because everyone having problems with their eating or their body deserves to be supported and cared for by mental health professionals. 

Your illness is valid. 

Your illness is real. 

I have been thinking a lot about where I am with my recovery and my body. And the other night I came to the realization that I don't love my body yet. 

I think it will be a while before I fully do.

But what I am is grateful for my body. 

For how it carries me and holds me and supports me, which may sound cheesy but its the truth. 

I am grateful my body can support me working a 6 hour shift at one job and a 7 hour shift at my next job right after. 

I am grateful my body can hold my baby nephew in my arms and not feel tired. 

I am grateful my body can take a dance class and not feel light headed or ill afterwards. I am grateful I can run to catch up with my friends when we're out. 

I am grateful it tells me when I need to rest. 

I am grateful to be able to walk around the city all day and not feel burnt out. 

I am grateful for the fuel it requires to be level headed and not lash out at my loved ones. I am grateful for the energy I have to rush to get ready in the morning because I overslept for something. I am grateful. 

I am grateful. 

I am grateful. 

Talk soon xxoox,

Em